Letter No. 21

You confuse me. I don’t know where to start with this. Its been so many years of you at a distance. But now that you’re trying to be in my life, why are you approaching me so shyly? Four years ago when I was new in town, we met at one of your shows, and you talked to me for a second, but that’s where it stopped. You would stare at me during your sets, invite me to your shows, and I would go, but it would lead to nothing more than chit chat at a diner. After all this time, after you had a girl friend and I went away to college, why are you trying to know me? You come to open mic and talk to me like we’re old friends, and sit near me like you have something to say, but it never gets said. I give you all the ins to talk to me, to get to know me, but your shyness makes me awkward, and I fear it will make you start to think that I am too young.

Am I too young? We are six years apart. But you still live here, in the life you’ve always had, and I never stay still for that much time. I gave you my number, so why don’t you just call me or something.

Letter No. 20

I miss you.

I don’t know how we can ever get past this. I don’t know that we should. I think that if we do make up, the opinion of me you have in your head won’t go away. And I will know that. I won’t be able to just look past it, I can’t sit with you and know how you feel about me as a person, as a friend, as someone in your life and pretend like its all ok.

I don’t blame you for what happened. I’m not even mad at you. I understand your side of things, I just wish that you had taken one moment to try to understand mine. And don’t say you did, because if that was the case, it wouldn’t have gotten to this point.

I don’t even know where to begin. I don’t know how things got to this place. I wish they hadn’t. I really care about you. You were one of the only people I felt comfortable around, and like I would have in my life for a while. So much has changed since this time last year. I remember you trying to fight someone on the taco truck line at zombie prom, and the adventures we used to have. You were so much fun. But something happened. Junior year maybe. We stopped hanging out, I was/am busy, and so were you. I changed. I changed a lot since last year. But so did you. Regardless of who you are now or who I am now, I still miss you. I wish you were still in my life. I have been consumed with thoughts of this stupid fight. Trying to figure out whether or not I should talk to you. I still have no idea. All I know is that I really miss you. Maybe I romanticize things a bit. Still. I just want a hug from you. A good old you hug. I miss you so much. But I miss the you I had last year, at the end of the summer, and over winter break. Somehow everything changed. And part of me acknowledges that I am to blame, but I also know you aren’t so innocent either. So what so we do from here? Do we make up and try to be friends again, or should I let you go? I have no excuses for what happened. I can only say how I felt and why. I’m not sure that will be enough for you, or that you will even want to make up with me if we do talk. But you should know, I think about this a lot. And I am extremely torn on what to do.

We were going to live together after college. And now, I may never speak to you again. This just might be goodbye.

I hate everyone and everything today. People suck and purchase is bad for my soul.

Letter No. 19

I hate you. You suck. You are the worst roommate I have ever had in my entire life, including the ones who stole from me. Well maybe not, but you are at the very least at the same level as them. You are inconsiderate, you make really rude judgements about me. And honestly locking me out of the fucking room for the whole day so that you can have sex with your boyfriend is really inconsiderate, especially considering the fact that you didn’t tell me, so I was suck out of the room with none of my things, unable to get any of my work done. Fuck you.

Letter No. 18

I have a crush on you. I can’t help it. You are such a bad idea. But you have intrigued me since before we were friends. And once we started to have class together I needed to be in your life. So I became friends with your friends. Which eventually meant that I was also your friend too. I like being in your life, and I like having you in mine. But you are so dangerous. So dangerous. I know this. I know I should run the other way, but all I want is for you to like me back. I haven’t felt this way in a very long time. I have been ‘interested’ in people, but its more than that with you. I go out of my way to look good when you are around, and I try to be in your life more than I am. I hate that you are so unattainable. I’m so unoriginal, falling for you. You are a popular crush on our campus, and I am no one. I love myself, but that doesn’t mean I can get you to. Gah emotions are hard.

Letter No. 17

I’ve know you for quite some time now. But I never thought of you that way before. You were fun to be around, but we’ve never fully clicked. After a long summer of very strange events, and a semester in different countries we finally got to hang out again. Break was nearing the end, but after being away from each other for so many weeks, we decided to  throw a party. The small dinner party of six turned into a dance party of nine. It was more fun than I have had in ages. We danced, played games, and set off fireworks. I missed having parties like that. Until everyone started to hook up in the empty bed rooms, but hey, its a story thats for damn sure. All night we seemed to just stick together, you and I, maybe it was because you wanted to stay away from her, but if that was all it was, why did you hold my hand while we walked to the woods? Or cuddle during the movie? And if thats all it really was, then we didn’t have to sleep in the same bed, she wasn’t even there for any of this. But, what ever it was to you, I am glad it happened. You were sweet, and I felt safe. So, even if nothing ever happens with us, I am glad I was coupled with you during that party. “I had fun last night, it was good to see you.”

Its good to have you back in this country, this semester better kick ass. 

Letter No. 16

I think its time for me to face my reality. Being in school, in this school, in this environment is not good for me. Maybe it was what I needed. Maybe it brought me to where I need to be in order to move foreword. But now, in this moment I am not in the right place. I am not a college partier. I am not deceiving or willing to push others down to get the advantage. This is not the life for me and I have been trying to push that feeling away and pretend that I belong here for far too long. As if I were trying to fit a circle into a square hole. It just doesn’t work. I did all that I could to trick myself into thinking I fit here, into believing it, but my time is up. Its time to go home. Its time to find a new place to try out. I feel about Purchase the way I did about Pratt right before I dropped out freshmen year. Yes, I do miss Pratt every now and then, but leaving there was the right decision. It brought me to people and places I needed to experience. Just as Purchase did, but my time here is over. I need to find a new place to call home, I need to go back to Warwick. The idea of not being in school next semester is both terrifying and freeing. 

I wonder what will happen.

Letter No. 15

It all happened completely on accident. I walked out of the apartment and there you were. I said something to you and we talked for hours. Standing there in my socks leaning against the building talking about your music, and life here at school. It was a sweet first interaction. You asked me for my number, and if you didn’t I don’t think you would know my name. I definitely wouldn’t know yours. You were so friendly and sweet, I just want the chance to talk to you again. You live so close, you’re right next store to my friends’ apartment that I am in every day. But I never see you. I walk past your door and hope that you will come out, but of course the universe wants to teach me patience. A quality I do not possess. Life dangled you in front of me, the most perfect boy on this campus and the took you away, just like that. Its not fair, its driving me crazy. I will make this work, I will give it my all, because I want you in my life. I feel like this is so insane, since we only ever interacted for a few hours that one night. We never spoke before or after that day. So why do I feel this strong urge to make sure I see you again? There is nothing I can say to justify it. You were there, you caught my interest and if I could have it my way, you would be going with me to the show on friday and interested in getting to know me. I hope you are just shy, and thats why we haven’t spoken all week. Am I making a fool of myself? Is this not nearly as important as it feels to me? I don’t know, but hopefully I will find out soon. Hopefully you will come to the party this weekend, so we can talk for a few more hours..

Letter No. 14

Its weird. As I have been filling out and looking through an online dating site, no one seems to be good enough. And the one thing that comes to mind, is, why can’t it just be you. But you aren’t interested, and it makes sense, we are worlds away from one another. It would be so inconvenient, but all I want is to talk to you again. I want to talk to you, and get to know you better, and I want to open your eyes to all that you’ve been missing. I want to show you what its like. I don’t like people easily, but, you’ve managed to capture my attention, and I can’t seem to get you off my mind. Its such a shame, I honestly think we would have been good for each other.